the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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