Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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