I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
