Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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