Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
