the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
