Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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