You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
They took my balls.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
40s are totally the cure
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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