It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
