ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
