Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
