i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
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I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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