I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
