Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
