Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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