dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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