My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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