the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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