she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
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Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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