when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
