um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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