sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it's like iHOP with fire
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
