Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
