Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
