A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
