My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize