im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
