Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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