God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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