my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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