I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
