i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
