you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
