Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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