the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
