This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
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He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
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Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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