shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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