My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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