3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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