We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
