No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
