I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
