It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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