I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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