How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
