Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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