we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
