I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
