I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize