I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
