im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There r osticjed everywhere
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
