This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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