No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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