my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
