Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
