I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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