the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
