I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
