So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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